what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
