I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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