Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
