I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
