Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
