Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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