I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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