I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
