You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
