You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
