I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
