i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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