I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
dude i'm inner monologue high
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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