Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
