nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
