In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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