Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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