can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize