we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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