sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He felt like a one man threesome
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Dicks are not precious.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
