Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
