You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
