fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
