I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
