What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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