I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
