HIV tests are more positive than that guy
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
soo... how was my night?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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