It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
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