Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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