there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
