They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
