my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
