i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
