6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
