don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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