weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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