I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
