I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
