Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
