He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
