If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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