i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
