i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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