I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Randomize
