my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
