I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
