My Higher Power is John Stamos
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
