love makes seman taste better
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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