Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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