We got so high we made milksteak
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We talked him into tasing himself.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
