Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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