My sheets look like a crime scene.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
