I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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