You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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