Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
