i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
